Locker Room Etiquette

(Warning: Extreme Content! Do not read during breakfast!) 

The other day at the gym, I was treated to a sight I could have done without. As I entered the men’s locker room, I saw an older gentleman standing there in his tennis shoes and nothing else. Most guys use a towel in the locker room or try to keep their nakedness to a minimum. Not this guy. He had one foot up on the bench, applying lotion to his aged body. It was as if he was preparing to swim the English Channel. I just about gagged, but I held it together long enough to find a locker far away from this exhibitionist. What is it with some people? Maybe this guy was a porn star back before television and doesn’t have any inhibitions left. All I know is it was a disgusting way to start my day. Hopefully, writing this article will somehow purge it from my memory.

Outside of catching that riveting documentary, Porky’s, it’s still unclear to me what really goes on inside a women’s locker room. And I’m sure I’m not alone. Most guys probably have no idea what goes on in there either. Although the porn industry has provided us with many detailed theories on the subject, I’m pretty sure they’ve exaggerated just a bit. Regardless, I have a hard time believing that some old ladies are stripping down in there and slathering themselves up with lotion. I mean gross is gross, regardless of gender. Also, it doesn’t matter if she’s a senior citizen or some hot young thing in her 20s. Now I’m getting off track. Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, now I remember. Our community center has a wonderful pool area, with a sauna, and my personal favorite, the steam room. After a good workout, I love to enter my personal rainforest for a few minutes, just to relax and decompress. What I don’t need is a moron doing lunges or stretches in there. Some low-rent Richard Simmons, trying to finish his workout by ruining my quiet time. I haven’t taken a poll, but I’m sure most folks who use the steam room would agree with me on this one. In conclusion, if you use a locker room or steam room regularly, please be considerate of your fellow members. As for the rest of us, “Look Away!” If I’ve ruined your breakfast, I apologize.

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